Learning to Say No | Putting Ourselves First

Author: Dalton James

June 15th, 2024

“Never say ‘yes’ with your lips if in your heart you are saying ‘no.’”

- Paulo Coelho

I have a lot of strengths. There are plenty of skills I’ve mastered throughout my life, some of them beneficial and others not so much. One of my top skills is the ability to remain in situations I don’t want to be in. More specifically, pasting a smile on my face, pretending that everything is okay, and refraining from saying “no” when I should be.

Some refer to it as people-pleasing or even a form of self-sabotage - I think it can be deemed as either. I grew up with a lot of anxiety - anxious sensations that I am still working through in the present day. In the past, I often found myself in social situations or attending events that I did not want to be at. I became too comfortable with friends who didn’t treat me right and regularly saw family members who were not able to accept me for who I was. Unfortunately, a child only has so much power when it comes to saying no. That “no”, can (and likely will be) contradicted by an adult in that child’s life. Just a bit of honesty, or speaking up, can end with a slap on the wrist. For me, I became familiar with this sense of feeling trapped and as though I had no opportunity to make decisions for myself - even as I grew into my teen years. It was very difficult for me to consider my own needs and wants with the consideration of how those around me may react (negatively). 

I remember when I was very young, I had quite a tense relationship with an uncle. I was a boy and felt terrified of him - and for some reason, it seemed I was far from his favorite child. There was an incident where I innocently damaged a piece of furniture in his home at a party. He reacted quite aggressively (which was not unusual) and I swore I would never let myself see him again. Several weeks later, my family told me I had no choice but to show up to his upcoming birthday celebration. I remember being forced onto an unwanted phone call with him, where he told me that I would show up to this party. It’s memories like this that remind me of why I’ve struggled to find my sense of boundaries in my life. 

This is what I mean when I say, it is extremely difficult for a child to identify with a sense of power. This memory no longer has any sense of resentment for me; I understand that it can be very difficult for older generations of families to understand a child’s fragile emotional needs. However, it’s become much more evident to me as an adult how events like these, both shocking and traumatic, can lead a child to some sort of psychological disruption later in their adult life.

I almost find it funny how I catch myself pleasing people; Once I became more aware of my habits, self-awareness became more gratifying. While I am no licensed professional or doctor, I can say for myself that my instability with boundaries is a ritual practiced to keep myself safe. Here is my thinking: If I keep other people happy (whatever that may look like to me), then that must mean that I will be kept safe from any negative reactions, thus leading to my discomfort, much like what I experienced when I was a kid with my uncle. Yet it’s not sustainable - I am sacrificing my own needs for someone else. I end up with an exhausted self and (possibly?) pleased people surrounding me. Is it worth it? Does it make sense to put myself on the back burner, rather than exchange a few moments of awkward discomfort for self-respect?

I can tell you that this challenge has followed me. It was not solely about doubtfully attending a birthday party. It wasn’t a matter of simply trying different people and experiences out, hoping that the next would be more pleasant. It came down to the realization that it is my responsibility to protect myself and ensure that my needs are being met as an adult. What I did not have the luxury of experiencing as a child was being completely sheltered when I needed it most. I’ve realized that no, it was not my fault that things happened the way that they did. It was not my doing that I was put in harm's way;  Those things are inevitable at this point in my life. What matters most is that I now have a stronger understanding of my needs. It is my responsibility to pick up those broken parts of me and piece myself back together.

I had an internship in my senior year of college. I had a job, was working towards my degree, and participating in a club sport. However, I knew that the benefits of internship experience might catapult me into the workforce, which was a huge goal of mine at the time. I began this internship in my last semester of school - I was working in a nursing home under the wings of two social workers. I flat-out hated it. I realized that this job was for someone, but certainly not for me. Not to mention, I was struggling to maintain my mental health and faced depressive and anxious feelings daily. The very last thing I needed was to prepare families to say goodbye to their loved ones. But I knew I needed a job after college. I also knew that I’m a high achiever regardless of circumstance (great, right?). I was miserable. I dreaded the days I had to show up to this internship. I had just begun working with my therapist at the time and told him how I felt conflicted - I wanted to drop the internship and focus on my school work. But I couldn’t - I couldn’t mentally bear to remove myself from an unwanted situation even though I so badly wanted to be out. Ultimately, I was recreating the experiences I had as a child out of familiarity. So my therapist encouraged me to do what I felt I needed the most. He helped me to realize that with previous job experience, a four-month internship was not going to make or break my chances of getting hired somewhere post-graduation

So I quit. I respectfully withdrew from the position and gave myself the time to process my decision. After a week or two after, I found myself lighter. I felt as though I did myself a (momentarily unclear) favor. I was able to focus on my assignments, job, athletics, and mental health. By the end of my semester, I had already landed a job in my field and graduated on the Dean’s List.

I had never been so astonished by the outcome of a decision I had made. I was happily surprised that I felt like I had benefited myself for once - and worked with my therapist to understand the source of those anxious feelings and habits of self-sabotage. All I had to do was say no to something I truly did not want. I realized that there was no reason for me to trap myself in something that did not possess as much weight as I had felt. It became more clear to me that these feelings so often come from early development. I felt proud.

In my early adulthood, I am still familiarizing myself with healthy boundaries that I was not able to practice as a child. I am learning how to communicate what I am okay with and what I am not, saying no when deemed necessary, and being upfront and honest with myself when it matters most - always. This practice has taught me that it is important to step outside of our comfort zones every once in a while to grow. I know that I want to be better and comfort will always return, so reminding myself of those two things makes it a little bit easier to put myself first.