Spending Time Alone

Author: Dalton James

July 1st, 2024

“Go out and do something. It isn’t your room that’s a prison, it’s yourself.”

- Sylvia Plath

I consider myself quite the introvert. I remember myself as very outgoing and social when I was younger, but I suppose we all grow and change throughout our lives. I started college one year early when I had just turned seventeen. I spent my last year of high school homeschooling, so naturally I finished a year earlier. I was excited to apply to college and experience something brand new.

When I actually attended school in the fall, I was a nervous wreck. I hadn’t anticipated that leaving public school behind also meant less socialization, and at that point in my life I had already begun to experience social anxiety. So when it came to declaring my major as dance and attending classes the first week, I felt like a small fish in a big sea. Not only were my immediate classmates older than me, but the upperclassmen seemed to be viewed as royalty - my classmates looked up to them and became more acquainted as the semester progressed - not including me. I had a difficult time putting myself out there and engaging in social activity. I seemed to have forgotten how to introduce myself and felt alienated because of my anxiety.

For the remainder of the school year, I hadn’t made much progress with my classmates. I felt I had no choice but to learn how to become satisfied with my own company. I had made a few friends outside of the dance department, but aside from that I was either spending my time on campus alone (at the gym, eating, in the library, or in my dorm) or going home on the weekends. It took a while for that lonely feeling to become less burdensome, but I eventually began to appreciate having “me time” (which was quite often).This was probably the first time in my life that I faced loneliness and made the most out of what I could. Not only did I get to know myself better, but I ended up becoming more self-sufficient, learned about the kinds of people I actually preferred to spend my time around, and gradually understood that feeling lonely doesn’t necessarily mean that I am alone - it just meant that I didn’t know what to do with myself without relying on other people to satisfy my free time. I think the hardest part of doing something new is the very beginning. It can be almost embarrassing having little to no experience in something. I wasn’t sure of how to spend my time alone, all without being around friends or family that I had back home. It was strange and pretty unfamiliar to me, but it meant that I needed to work on strengthening the relationship I had with myself.

It took me years to find parts of myself that helped fill that emotional hole. The better I got to know myself, the more fun it became to experiment with different hobbies. Nowadays, “solo dates” are pretty popular (thanks Tiktok?), and I guess I’ve been doing it without even realizing. I’ve learned that it’s not weird to do things by yourself, just uncommon. There’s this sense of productivity that I get whenever I’ve spent a successful few hours by myself. I remember back in my junior year of college I was having one of those days. You know, thoughts running, sadness amplified, all that good stuff. It’s days like these where I would reach out to a friend, maybe hang out for a few hours, to silence the mental noise.

However, I didn’t have that luxury on this particular day. I ended up taking myself shopping (retail therapy for the win!), walked around my college town, picked up a new book, and sat in the park and journaled about how I felt earlier in the day versus how I felt at that moment. I remember this day so vividly because I felt proud of myself. In hindsight, it may have been one of the first memorable days in which I had exercised my ability to shift my needs into my own hands, not those of others. I noticed that I had actually felt a lot better than I did earlier in the day. I believe I even felt better than I would have if I had spent time with friends instead, because that way I would have been suppressing my feelings instead of working through them and allowing them to pass. It was sort of like, “Whoa, I didn’t know I could actually… make myself feel better?” - It was a gratifying experience.

I’m still adjusting to having too much free time to myself. I’m currently writing this on a ten-day break from work - which initially sounded like a relaxing vacation! Yet when day six or seven came, I began to get into my head too much and forgot that my time off was a privilege. I’m supposed to be taking time for myself to recuperate before I return to work. Still, I have some moments where I think, “Why am I not doing anything productive? Why aren’t I doing something fun or exciting or going on vacation? How can I possibly be spending my break incorrectly?” I don’t believe that seeing everyone on social media on some island or at a crazy music festival helps, so I try to steer away from that (which is a whole other conversation in itself). I’m realizing that I’m not doing anything wrong, that sometimes I need some reminding that I know how to wholesomely spend time with myself, whether I’m working day to day or simply hanging out. I can fill my moments with fulfilling activities, big or small, that provide me with a sense of content. I wonder if this is especially hard for people in their twenties because we often see our friends and peers on social media living it up. People post their most camera-worthy moments on Instagram and I’m scrolling in bed on a Friday night with a towel wrapped around my head wondering when I became so boring. It’s like, well now my coffee shop novel-reading-filled afternoon doesn’t seem as cool.

Pondering Comparison

Learning to Say No | Putting Ourselves First

* Soul Canvas *